Chapter Six: THE HUSBAND LIST

Chapter Six: THE HUSBAND LIST I’ve had four marriages. Yes, four… My first husband, Mark, is now one of my closest girlfriends, Marcie. Bodies were never my priority. Souls are. He needed to become a woman to find happiness. When you truly love someone, you want them to be happy. Now, she is still one of the dearest, most talented, most loving souls I know. My life has been enhanced by sharing this life with her. We are soul mates. My second husband, Richard, had so much potential. But his demons got the best of him, and the best of me. This vital person died homeless on the streets. I would have helped him had I only known. Such a tragic waste. I did have a few months of marriage to a third husband, also named Richard, but that was temporary insanity resulting from a traumatic rebound period. He was a safety net containing holes. One should never marry a safety net. One should create her own. Husband number four was the keeper. Gene is not just my Prince. He’s a King. Now, one might think that would make me a queen by default. It doesn’t. It only allows me the opportunity to become one by following in his beautiful example. It’s kind of funny that husbands number two and three were both named Richard and they both wore toupees. I still make a joke wherein I say “I married two dicks with no hair.” In fact, I even wrote a little ditty about that. (Warning: I like blue humor) I married two Richards That was a mistake Both of those “dicks” Had hair that was fake My love life Was going down the drain Thank God there were no hairballs To add to my pain Little Dickie, Little Dickie You were just a pickle In my Big Mac Little Dickie, Little Dickie You were so small I had to throw you back

"Cher-ing" My Life Story

Hey there. I've been absent from blogging for a while due to some strange times. But, I'm nearing the end of this virtual Twilight Zone and have begun writing an autobiography to "Cher" these experiences and persons which have impacted the course of my life. Writing has always been my way to vent, inspire or just communicate via the written word. So, I've decided to chronicle the experience of writing this autobiography by offering occasional blog posts containing excerpts from the book. I have a tremendous amount of stories, insights and venting to impart, so I hope you'll find some time to join me in this quest. Many of the names will be changed to protect the not-so-innocent because I've had enough legal issues to last for all eternity. But, those persons and experiences are things you cannot make up and they deserve to be discussed. You'll hear a bit of my back story, a ton about my life as "Cher," and some of how creative types like myself get impacted by those with psychotic or neurotic tendencies. Such is the life of an artist...sigh.

This first excerpt comes from Chapter One, titled "The Spotlight." May you find it amusing.

"I was a bit of a tomboy and had the clumsy walk to go with it. My mother, desirous of transforming me into a more graceful girl-child, decided that dance lessons should usurp my coveted Saturday morning cartoons. I felt punished at the time and, of course, dramatized those feelings with a ton of diva attitude. My dance teacher even gave me the nickname of “Scorch” in response to my many heated demonstrations. I didn’t find that humorous at the time. But dance lessons did have an upside. I learned about fancy costumes, makeup, hairdos and what it felt like to get a bunch of admiration on a stage.

I especially loved the recitals. One year, my mother forgot to bring along my black leotard, which was the costume for my big tap number. I was heartbroken. So, my dear mother quickly went out and bought another costume just in time for me to perform; except it was a bright orange bathing suit!

I remember my mother handling my objection to the orange color by stating “You are in the middle anyway. So, they’ll just think you are the star.”

That sounded reasonable enough. As soon as the music started, I tap-danced my little, middle-positioned, orange butt off. You might say that orange was the new black for me back then. In any event, I started off blue and ended up finding joy in the full prism of the spotlight."