Chapter Six: THE HUSBAND LIST

Chapter Six: THE HUSBAND LIST I’ve had four marriages. Yes, four… My first husband, Mark, is now one of my closest girlfriends, Marcie. Bodies were never my priority. Souls are. He needed to become a woman to find happiness. When you truly love someone, you want them to be happy. Now, she is still one of the dearest, most talented, most loving souls I know. My life has been enhanced by sharing this life with her. We are soul mates. My second husband, Richard, had so much potential. But his demons got the best of him, and the best of me. This vital person died homeless on the streets. I would have helped him had I only known. Such a tragic waste. I did have a few months of marriage to a third husband, also named Richard, but that was temporary insanity resulting from a traumatic rebound period. He was a safety net containing holes. One should never marry a safety net. One should create her own. Husband number four was the keeper. Gene is not just my Prince. He’s a King. Now, one might think that would make me a queen by default. It doesn’t. It only allows me the opportunity to become one by following in his beautiful example. It’s kind of funny that husbands number two and three were both named Richard and they both wore toupees. I still make a joke wherein I say “I married two dicks with no hair.” In fact, I even wrote a little ditty about that. (Warning: I like blue humor) I married two Richards That was a mistake Both of those “dicks” Had hair that was fake My love life Was going down the drain Thank God there were no hairballs To add to my pain Little Dickie, Little Dickie You were just a pickle In my Big Mac Little Dickie, Little Dickie You were so small I had to throw you back

"Cher-ing" My Life Story

Hey there. I've been absent from blogging for a while due to some strange times. But, I'm nearing the end of this virtual Twilight Zone and have begun writing an autobiography to "Cher" these experiences and persons which have impacted the course of my life. Writing has always been my way to vent, inspire or just communicate via the written word. So, I've decided to chronicle the experience of writing this autobiography by offering occasional blog posts containing excerpts from the book. I have a tremendous amount of stories, insights and venting to impart, so I hope you'll find some time to join me in this quest. Many of the names will be changed to protect the not-so-innocent because I've had enough legal issues to last for all eternity. But, those persons and experiences are things you cannot make up and they deserve to be discussed. You'll hear a bit of my back story, a ton about my life as "Cher," and some of how creative types like myself get impacted by those with psychotic or neurotic tendencies. Such is the life of an artist...sigh.

This first excerpt comes from Chapter One, titled "The Spotlight." May you find it amusing.

"I was a bit of a tomboy and had the clumsy walk to go with it. My mother, desirous of transforming me into a more graceful girl-child, decided that dance lessons should usurp my coveted Saturday morning cartoons. I felt punished at the time and, of course, dramatized those feelings with a ton of diva attitude. My dance teacher even gave me the nickname of “Scorch” in response to my many heated demonstrations. I didn’t find that humorous at the time. But dance lessons did have an upside. I learned about fancy costumes, makeup, hairdos and what it felt like to get a bunch of admiration on a stage.

I especially loved the recitals. One year, my mother forgot to bring along my black leotard, which was the costume for my big tap number. I was heartbroken. So, my dear mother quickly went out and bought another costume just in time for me to perform; except it was a bright orange bathing suit!

I remember my mother handling my objection to the orange color by stating “You are in the middle anyway. So, they’ll just think you are the star.”

That sounded reasonable enough. As soon as the music started, I tap-danced my little, middle-positioned, orange butt off. You might say that orange was the new black for me back then. In any event, I started off blue and ended up finding joy in the full prism of the spotlight."

Trading Spaces: Elvis versus Cher (Part 3: The Not-So-Grand Finale)

Okay, so you know your girlfriend, Janell, is a neat freak.  So, when you are standing in her office looking down upon a ton of shredded paper that you've just been asked to glue upon your friend's wall, what do you do?  Well, you can explain to the designer, Hildi, that your friends hate clutter and that they have two little kids who will pick the pieces of paper off the wall and eat it!  Will it do any good?  NO!

So, tens of thousands of little pieces of shredded paper ended up on Matt and Janell's wall, along with inside plexiglass columns used for a desk.

Oh, and speaking of plexiglass columns...my husband, Gene, was asked to hold a piece of one of those columns while the glue dried.  Unfortunately, his finger got GLUED to the column for OVER AN HOUR while they figured out how to free him!  I was so upset because he needs his fingers to play his horns and piano, not to mention for other things.  They were asking around as to the best way to unglue him.  I suggested acetone, but there was none to be found in the house.  So, I called my sister and asked her to bring some acetone to the set.  She did.  Gene's finger was soaked and drowned in acetone and then, the star of the show, Paige Davis, took a razor blade and shaved his finger free.  I was NOT amused.  I wanted to take the razor to my husband's finger myself.  But, Paige did a good job and we were able to move onto our next chore.

The joy of varnishing wood in closed quarters!  Yes, the smell, the fumes, the HIGH!  I had to quit and leave this task to my husband with the now shaved finger.  The varnished shelves were not even fully dry when we had to assemble the bookcase.  Bummer.

Then came the reveals of our respective offices!  Thinking that I was going to reap the future promotion of my "WOWgirls" project (since I had mentioned it 74 times while taping,) I pretended to love the finished product of my office.  Let's see.  A cheap white rug was laid over my old black carpet.  My walls were now done in a pitiful version of Venetian plaster.  Cheap chairs and a bookcase were added along with some horrible chrome lamps.  I LOVED the WOWgirl painting on the wall, though.  It was copied from an original costume sketch done by a talented artist, costume designer and good friend, Rebecca Gaston.  Note, the original girl in the sketch had blonde hair, but since Janell was designated as the lead WOWgirl, she asked that the wall painting have brown hair like hers!  Love her for that!  LOL!

But, the name "WOWgirl" was NEVER mentioned in the show after creative editing out of my 74 attempts of promoting it.  So, no one even knew what the painting on the wall was even about.

My expensive Murano glass chandelier was taken from my spare bedroom and placed in the ceiling of my new office along with the two matching Venetian mirrors I had hanging in my guest bathroom.  Oh, and they put a few nice dings in my custom vanity while taking down those imported mirrors.  Nice.

My Italian fruitwood desk which I asked them NOT to touch, was now covered in material befitting a little girl's birthday party.  But, at least the curtains matched!  Yikes!

Oh, that's my friend, Matt Lewis, who plays "Elvis" for the Legends in Concert show at Harrah's here in Vegas.  What a good sport.  He and Janell had to now face THEIR office...

Needless to say, they were NOT happy!  Poor Janell!  She later told me that she was sooooo angry but she held it together.  But, there was more I had to tell her.  You see, they wanted to PAINT the lovely, tan Mexican tile that Matt and Janell had on their floor!!!!!  YES!!!!  They were going to PAINT the tile RED!!!!!!  Do you know how expensive that would have been to replace?  It went from the office and extended to the rest of the bottom floor of the house.  So, they would have had to try to match it as well!  So, I intervened when I heard them discussing this paint job.  I lied to them.  I said that Matt and Janell were only RENTING the house and that they really should not paint the freakin' tile!  They argued a bit, but the tile was left alone, thank God!

It took Matt five days to scrape the shredded paper off of the walls.  We were all left with horrific messes to clean up from the aftermath.

The floors were covered in dirt and debris.  Spoons and other items were left outside and our homes needed an entire cleaning.  Of course, they asked us at 2am if we wanted them to help clean up.  But, we just wanted them all to go away so we could get some sleep.

Was it worth doing the show?  NO!  Would we advise anybody else to do the show?  NO!  But, the crew was delightful to work with as were the stars.

Matt and Janell kept the bookcase and the desk in their office.  Everything else was changed.  As for my office, I decided not to move my pink chandelier out of there because they cut the chain and I could not find the extra pieces.  I also kept the WOWgirl painting that was done on my wall from an original costume sketch by artist and good friend, Rebecca Gaston.  Note, the original sketch had a blonde-haired WOWgirl, but since Janell was designated as the lead WOWgirl, she asked them to give the painting brown hair like herself.  I love her for that!  LOL.

Everything else was taken out of there except for one little tacky decor item which I now cherish.  You see, the designer had purchased a small, blinged out picture frame for my office but they did not have a photo to place inside of it.  So, Matt fetched a picture of himself as "Elvis" and humorously placed it inside of the frame.

This little item will forever make me think of my admiration for my friends, Matt and Janell.  But, it also serves as a constant reminder that LAUGHTER IS KING!

What Men Should Know About Women

It has been said that "Women are from Venus and men are from Mars."  While there are several interesting tidbits to warrant such a statement, this slanted concentration on the DIFFERENCES may not be the answer toward a deeper understanding between men and women.  If it were, the deeper understanding would be more evident.  I don't see it yet.  So, there must be some missing information.

While there are differences in the BODY, and resultant differences in what society has enforced as acceptable BEHAVIOR regarding the two sexes, there are more SIMILARITIES than one might realize.

Let's start with the supposition that we are NOT our bodies, but that we are SPIRITUAL beings who inhabit bodies much like drivers who drive cars.  You don't have to believe that we are spiritual beings to see how workable it is.  Humor me and come along for the ride.

What are the three key ingredients in ANY relationship?  Do you know? 

COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION!

Okay, so that sounds feasible, doesn't it?    But, now I must ask you, "Do you know the actual ingredients of an ideal cycle of communication?"  If you don't, then how are you going to control any of your communication cycles with another person, especially one of the opposite sex?

Just as the painter must know how to mix his paint colors and how to place those colors upon a canvass in order to obtain his ideal painting, so must the creator of a relationship know the tools of communication in order to obtain his ideal "painting."

It is this lack of understanding of the tools of communication which is responsible for ALL communication breakdowns!

Unfortunately, it takes TWO to tango.  So, all parties involved in any communication cycle need to know the tools in order to create the ideal result.  But for now, let's just deal with the communication between a man and a woman.

Usually, a man and a woman meet and talk.  If that goes well, they meet and talk some more.  If that goes well, they get romantic.  If that goes well, they date.  If that goes well, they get can get married.  If that goes well, they may have a family.  If all of that goes well, they do not divorce and live happily ever after.

Obviously, things don't always go well and relationships fail.  Could there possibly be some tools which could give someone a better chance to make a relationship succeed?  YES!

Let's start with a basic formula for the cycle of communication.  As with most of my information, it originates from my mentor, L. Ron Hubbard.  His definition of a communication cycle is as follows:

"Cause, Distance, Effect with Intention, Attention, Duplication and Understanding."

I know. That's a bit confusing at first.  So, let's just break it down for easier understanding.

Joe sees Mary at a party.  He's attracted to her.  So, he wants to begin or CAUSE a communication with her.  Mary is on the other side of the room.  So, Joe must make sure his communication reaches her over that DISTANCE.  Thus, he walks over to her rather than to yell or send her a note.

Now, he wants Mary to like him.  That is the EFFECT or result he hoping to obtain.  So, he uses his INTENTION (or desire to make it happen) and places his ATTENTION on her.  He then gets her ATTENTION by introducing himself and he hopefully finds out that she DUPLICATED exactly what he said and UNDERSTOOD it by introducing herself to him.

That's simple enough.  But, how could even this simple exchange of communication go wrong if one of those steps were not correctly done?  Let's take a look.

Joe sees Mary at a party.   He's attracted to her.  So, he wants to begin or CAUSE a communication with her.  Mary is on the other side of the room.  So, Joe must make sure his communication reaches her over that DISTANCE.  He is too shy to walk over to where she is standing.  So, he smiles at her from his side of the room.  She does not SEE the smile.  Thus, his communication did not travel the distance over to Mary.  JOE DID NOT GET HER ATTENTION FIRST!  You cannot communicate to a person without having their attention.

Okay, so let's say that Mary WAS looking at Joe when he smiled at her.  And then, let's say Mary turned away because she found Joe attractive but was embarrassed.  Joe did CAUSE the communication over the DISTANCE.  He had Mary's ATTENTION and his INTENTION was to create the EFFECT of her smiling back at him.  He did not get the desired EFFECT.  What part was missing here?

HE DID NOT DUPLICATE AND UNDERSTAND HER RETURN OF THE COMMUNICATION CYCLE.

Mary was the CAUSE of her response to Joe's smile.  That response was a shy turn of her head.  She had Joe's ATTENTION over the DISTANCE.  But, she lacked the INTENTION to create the EFFECT of showing Joe that she liked his smile.  Thus NO DUPLICATION OR UNDERSTANDING took place!!!!  Can you see that?  Not completing one part of this simple formula can create a total MISUNDERSTANDING.

If Joe knew the communication formula, he could have then wondered why she turned away rather than to assume she rejected his smile.  He may have walked over to her and introduced himself to see her response.  By further communication with ALL  the parts of the formula in tact, he could then know if Mary were really interested or not.  This one little item could be the difference between success and failure in creating a relationship.  But, I have more to "Cher..."



(If you find this topic of interest and wish to learn a few more tools on how to create a relationship as well as insight into the male/female roles, mental and emotional "filters," female expectations and others such tidbits, please leave a comment on my blog after first joining "google."  If I get enough comments and hopefully more people clicking the "FOLLOW" button to join my blog, I will CAUSE more communication over the DISTANCE of the net and "Cher" more personal insights regarding "What Men Should Know About Women.")

A "Va-J-J" With A Brain (Part Deux)

In part 1 of this post, I left off where I had just divorced my wonderful husband, Mark, in order to to find a relationship wherein I would be more validated as both a woman and as an artist.  I was still living in Los Angeles and wanted to become a rock/pop singer/songwriter. Determined to get to the top without having to sleep with anybody to get there, I now had to figure out a way to bypass the crowds of beautiful women anxiously awaiting their shot at the casting couch.  All I had was my faith in my own ability and a sincere spiritual belief that somehow, somewhere, I'd find someone of pure heart who would embrace my talent without ulterior sexual motive.

There was one other mountain to climb:  I had NO connections.

I got gigs singing in rock bands where we were lucky to make $50 a night on those rare occasions when we'd actually book a gig.  During the day, I worked in one of those "phone rooms" where a bunch of people called prospective businesses to sell them frisbees or pens with their business name printed on them.

I was pitching my original songs and got the opportunity to record some of them in a studio owned by the managers of the group, "Air Supply."  They loved my tunes and even said I had some hits.  But, they were getting out of the band biz and moving to New York City to pursue other creative aspirations.  They were at least kind enough to give me free use of their studio in the final weeks of its existence, which helped me to record a decent song demo reel.

I had also been singing in a "power rock" trio that eventually hired ex-"Runaway," Lita Ford,  to take my place.  At least you can stay pretty skinny when you don't have much money for food. 

Although I was a "rocker" with shagged hair, tough attitude and exuberant stage presence, I was offered a record deal as a COUNTRY artist.  What?  This "Ann Wilson-ish," "Pat Benetar-y," "Joan Jett-like" rocker from upstate New York was offered a COUNTRY record deal?  Me?  Are you kidding?

Country wasn't as cool in the 80s as it is today.  Had it been, I would have jumped on that offer.  But, instead of being grateful for that once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, the ignorance of my youth felt I would have numerous other offers in the near future.  So, I turned it down with defiance.

Hindsight is 20/20.  I should have taken that opportunity and then crossed over into pop and rock after I had achieved some success in the country field.  I did not understand the concepts of PR, positioning and networking back then.  I wanted to HAVE HITS.  Be careful what you wish for...

In 1981, I was HIT by a car driven by an actor named, Mark Goddard.  Mark was a star of a TV series called, "Lost in Space."  After he hit me, I was truly lost in space for over a year.

 Mark Goddard from "Lost in Space"

While I am of the spiritual belief that I must have had some responsibility in getting hit by this man who ran a stop sign, I still cannot believe he did not even contact me after that to see how I was faring! His lawyer advised him against it.  So, there I was...ALONE...on a mattress on the floor of my apartment, with no means of support, in much pain and without the ability to even sign my name.  This professional actor ran a young singer down and then totally abandoned her for fear of some legal or financial retribution.  To this very day, I remain disappointed in his lack of compassion.  After a year of building back my mental capacity and physical strength, I was awarded the small sum of $30,000.  That was before the lawyer took his thirty percent.  Justice is sometimes blind.  But, I hope that one day, Mr. Goddard will want to make spiritual amends for that life-changing moment in 1981 when he smashed into my little yellow mustang and put my life on hold for such a long time.

That car wreck forced me to move back to Las Vegas and into the home of my dear mother, Louise.  There, I could try to mend my body, mind and spirit.

(Stay tuned for Part 3 of this story and others!  I hope you'll follow my blog by joining "google" and then pressing "Follow" on my blog.  There are many stories coming your way including the conclusion of the "Trading Spaces" TV reality show fiasco and the continuing journey of "A Hard-Rocked Life."  I look forward to seeing your picture in my "Followers" area!  Thanks so much!)

A "Va-J-J" With a Brain (Part 1)

(Me with my sweet friend, Merrill Osmond.  Sorry Merrill, for putting you on a post with the word "Va-J-J" on it...LOL!)

I may impersonate "Cher," but I have always admired the real "wise-crackin' dames" like Bette Midler,  the "broads" like Mae West and the strong women like Kate Hepburn.  At an early age, I felt the oppression of a male-dominated world.  It seemed like there was some sort of "cult" who believed that all dicks had brains and that a Va-J-J was merely storage space.   If I wanted to climb a career ladder, I had to make a choice:

"Do I want to sleep with men in order to control them, or do I want to outsmart them in order to obtain some control?"

I wasn't a bad looker in my youth and could have done well by the first route.  But, I just couldn't do it.  My 163 I.Q. was aching to outsmart the male-dominated music business. So, I decided to find a way to use my brains rather than my looks.  In hindsight, it would have been much easier to just sleep with 'em since their "cult" was adversely opposed to a Va-J-J with a brain.  Fame and fortune could have been mine by simply staying horizontal in a business meeting.  There were several filthy rich suitors.  Instead, I went for the poetic musician types, God love 'em!

In the late 1970's, I moved to L.A. with my first husband, Mark.  He had the most magnificent singing voice I had ever heard.  I decided to put my own career on hold while I used my brains to assist with his career.  After all, I was already sleeping with him. Once he was famous, I was IN!

Not only did Mark have a magnificent voice, but he was a male of the species.  I thought it would be an easier way to navigate through the "cult."  So, I styled this sweet, mid-Westerner from conservative "boy-next-door" to "smokin' hot rock star."   It was an easy makeover because he had the goods!

Playing the role of manager to an up-and-coming rock star was an interesting undertaking!  I was in my early twenties and had absolutely no experience in this sort of thing.  But, I had balls and a belief in Mark's undeniable talent.  Soon, Mark was playing in some of the more notable rock clubs like the Starwood.  I knew it would be just a matter of time before someone with the right connections would hear him and we'd be on our way.  I remember telling him that he should just walk into Capitol Records and start singing in the lobby.  If I had his instrument, that's exactly what I would have done.

After nearly five years of marriage, the role of "manager" began to take its toll on my inner artist.  I needed to take back that part of me which had gotten lost in Mark's shadow; even though it was a beautiful shadow indeed.  I went on the road singing in a top 40 band. Shortly thereafter, we were divorced and I was now faced with a new decision of how to outsmart the "cult."

Mark and I have remained close friends to this day.  In fact, he is now my best girlfriend. But, that's a different story and you can read about that on my other posts titled, "A Hard Rocked Life."  I'll be back with more on this one in a few days.






(To find out what happened next and to read more of my stories, please join "google" and then press "FOLLOW" to join my blog.   I hope to see you here again!)

Do You Believe? (How to Rekindle a Goal)

(Claude Monet's Water Lily Pond in France)

Just as the great French artist, Monet, created his own Water Lily pond in order to paint it, I believe most people want to create something special within their lifetime.  They yearn for a sense of accomplishment; a reason for having lived.  It is that inner drive which propels us toward our heart's desires.  But for some, that inner drive gets beaten down so many times that the light within it simply burns out.  Failure upon failure upon failure stack up and smother a person's goals to death.

This is where you have the drunk at the bar who complains about how everyone is against him while he numbs the pain with a six-pack or two.  This is the place where a person, so afraid of having one more failure,  would choose to throw a friend under the bus rather than have to start over one more time.  This is where a lie becomes the only form of creativity and the liar walks a tight rope over a dark abyss.

Have you ever seen what happens when you put someone filled with the joy of creating, next to someone who doesn't give a damn?  What do you think would happen?  Would the joyous person lift the apathetic nay-sayer upward into a level of interest?  Or, would the reverse eventually ensue?

Let me put it another way.  Say you are a singer ready to perform in a show.  And, let's say your sound man is not the brightest star in the sky.  Is your wonderful performance going to enhance his apathetic sound?   Or, is his apathetic sound going to downgrade your wonderful performance?  Now, you're getting the picture.

So, what do you do when your power is being diminished by those who vibrate at a much lower frequency around you?  You have two choices.  You can either handle the scene by replacing those lower-level persons with those of a like energy, OR you can get out of Dodge on a swift horse.  Don't think for a minute that things will change on their own.  THEY WON'T!

I have seen so many wonderfully talented artists/performers who have gotten stuck in shows where their gorgeous artistry has been degraded much like placing a moustache on the Mona Lisa.  I have personally witnessed this numerous times in my over twenty years as a top impersonator, and for over twenty years before that while performing in school plays, biker bars, casino lounges, showrooms and more.

I cannot tell you how many times I had to fight with the male leader of the band, in which I was the "chick singer," to turn my microphone up!  (Can I have a "high five," ladies?)

Oh, and one of my more recent favorites was when I was working in a show in Vegas and they had me choreographed in an area on the stage that had absolutely NO monitor coverage whatsoever!  Now, how's that for production expertise?

Then, there are those special memories where you are "too hip for the room" and get devoured by those who are threatened by your power.  That is always delightful...

Here's the bigger point I am trying to make.  All of those times when you've had to battle with the lower-level beings who have degraded you in one way or another, well, those times act exactly like FAILURES which pile up, one on top of the other, upon YOUR goals!  Do you see that?  All of those times when you've gone out there with the intention to kick major ass, only to have someone else cause your work of art to become less...well, those become failures for YOU.

Okay, so you still have the desire to create something with your talents.  But, it may not have all the zest behind it that it once had.  There have been too many times you've tried to create magic and have been stopped or hindered by someone else.  So, now you just roll with the punches and accept that you are not talented enough or not connected enough or not "something else" enough.  Well, I'm here to tell you that the only thing that has been wrong this entire time is that you did not have the ideal situations in which to create your art.

I remember being privileged enough to sing on a superstar's PA system, microphone, monitors and such, with a top sound man in a hall that seated fourteen-thousand people.  OMG!  It was my first time ever being able to experience the IDEAL SCENE in all of its glory!  I sounded like a superstar when I sang through that system.  And you know what?  I had fourteen thousand people light their lighters and hold them up for ME!  But, when I most recently sang in that Vegas show in an area of the stage where there was NO monitor coverage and with the sound being horrific, well, my own sister said I did not sound like me at all.

If you ever believed you had the talent to create something special in this world, well I want you to know that God would not have given you that desire if you did not have something in you worthy of it!


You might be thinking, "But, I'm too old now...or out of practice...or it's been too long...or I just don't have the drive anymore."  That PURPOSE which once fueled your desire just needs to be rekindled!  Ask yourself, "Why did I want to do that thing in the first place?  Why?  What was the purpose behind it?"  Find the answer to THAT, and then hold onto that purpose for dear life.  If no one did that, there'd be nothing hanging in the Louvre...

(The Louve Museum.  Paris, France)